bigger than me

My life is falling apart ! I am going crazy slowly but surely, I might just lose my mid up in here! I have been taking a lot of shit from people. I can't take no more ! My feet hurt and my heart hurts. I'm beginning to believe I care to much for people. I just wish I didn't care as much and loved less. My heart is seriously broken and I can't repair it. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of that I need to talk to somebody about them. I have all these emotions bottled inside waiting to come out. I'm trying to become a better person but its HARD. Some days I don't even feel alive like I have missed the whole day. I have talked a good game and now I need to play it, all but one of my team players is missing and that's my mind. Thoughts about my foster brothers run through my mind like crazy ! I miss them sooooo much I can't take it. I worry about people I shouldn't worry about, things that don't concern me. I give to much and get nothing in return but a ass to kiss and a kick in the back !

Real World..uugghh

I got a job (yay) and I start training to tomorrow (booo). I am very happy I get to leave this house tomorrow. I was about to go crazy in this house! I have cut ties with almost every friend I had. I simply don’t have time for BS! I am a go getter and I don’t like sitting on my ass doing nothing. My friends are the COMPLETE opposite. Last year was my first year in college and boy was it GREAT. I wasn’t on my grind like I should’ve been, because of my no good friends. See people hate when you do better than them. Instead of them encouraging me to do good in school, they just said forget school. I can walk alone in this big world; even though, my biggest fear is being alone. I don’t see me being successful if I keep this dead weight (no good friends) attached to my hip. I can’t blame them for all of my wrong doings because I have a brain too and I do share some fault. My sister and teachers have been telling me since I was little Miss Williams you are force to be reckoned with when you put your mind into something. So next year I’m going to be focus and do WHATEVER I have to do to succeed. I hate disappointing my sister because she is my biggest fan, my backbone, my one cheerleader in the stand, my protector, counselor, and my piece of mind. I sometimes wish I could go back in history and take back some of the bad things I’ve done to her. I wish I could make her proud just like she makes me proud everyday despite everything she’s gone through, she is a hard worker and I envy her. I wish I could have her strength to keep pushing on. I use to hate living in her shadow and being compared to her, but now I feel so flattered when people do it, even when people say we look alike (lol). But changing the subject I have goal list this summer !!!!

Goals

Get my car fixed

Get my car insured

Get a credit card

Lose 20 pounds

It’s a very short list, but it’s a start Roman wasn’t built in a day you know !!!

I left facebook for the summer

I felt there was no need for me to have a facebook. Everyone is so nosy and there is no privacy. Facebook is child's play ! I'M DONE WITH FACEBOOK !

A love I may never know...

I've always envied butterflies, they are so free and beautiful. No I always envied anyone who wasn't me. I have always been the type to hide emotions from my family, I was always labeled the comedian. I would rather hide in my room and cry, rather then to tell what was wrong with me. I was never a sad child, I guess that's why whenever I am sad around my family they try their hardest to break me out of my funk. I recently had a bad break up with someone I thought I was going to be with for a long time. I am not hurt because of the break up, but by some of the evil things that were said to me. First off, let me say facebook is now a GOSSIP SITE. But anyways, after I said "its over" he had a fit. He started arguing with on fb(facebook) how mature ? right? He talked about our private business which almost brought me to tears. I have never had anyone DISRESPECT me in such a way. I was hurt +5 and also disgusted in this person I thought was a friend to me. I thought he really cared for me at least a little. The reason I bring this up because I think about my favorite Paramore song "Exception" and how I thought he was. I thought I had found love but it was just another weak imitation of it. Love a word I may never know the meaning to or how it feels. Love a four letter word so easy to write and read, but so difficult to define or say. Love a hopeless dream of happiness. Love a word people live and die for. L O V E is pointless to me. Nothing last forever especially not LOVE but HATE is always around. Love is like a first born beautiful in the beginning and new, but once the other baby comes it is soon forgotten.

A bad hair day with swollen feet

Well today I had a very bad hair day and my feet were swollen, so I decided to stay in and take pictures of me on an off day (lol). Enjoy !

Some Fashion, Hair, Games & more =]

-I promised that I would show some of my fashion sense an eczema skin products.

-If you have eczema please ask your doctor about Derma-Smoothe/FS

-The store that I purchase my jewelry from is Forever 21, Claire's, and Target

-The turtle is from my grandma's house

-If you have any fun games for the wii please leave comment and what you rate the game and also the name of the game

-Clothes will be coming SOON !

-Also thank you for reading and enjoy =]

Shoes

Cheetah Print Shoes from Forever 21

From Dr. Jay's

Jewelry

Grandma's Turtle lol

Feather Earrings from target

Eczema Skin Care Products

Dermaisl

Loprox Shampoo

T/Sal Shampoo/Skin wash

Derma-Smoothe/FS

Eucerin

Hair (it looks a mess but I wanted to show off my tail and streak I will have a better pic soon)

Didn't know where to put this but my fav bow forever 21

Games

My babymama lol

On a Wednesday

So I am bored to pieces in my room (ughh). I have decided to stay in today because my feet are swollen and they hurt like heck! I have been trying to work out because I want to lose weight. I am a size 18 and I want to go down to a 14. I just want to tighten up and tone my body a little bit. I have no trouble dating or anything but just want to healthy. But can someone explain to me why is it so hard to lose weight??? I just want to scream at the thought of eating healthy!!! I mean I have no problem working out but vegetables are NOT my friend (lol). I have no clue how to even eat healthy, or what is consider a healthy meal. My mom is trying to lose weight too. It seems like once we are on the right path to success we take a wrong turn to Mc Donald's (lol). I will lose this weight! Like the puritan ethic say's "hard-work and self-discipline will get you into heaven" so I hope hard-work in self-discipline can get me into a size 14 (lol). thanks for reading ps. new pics and coming soon =]